We Are Sharing the Plate of Foot Funny
Why Americans don't use metric?
Foot fetish
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...
...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the funeral"
I haven't worked out since...
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
A father tells his 10 year old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.
UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)
A Foot And A Half
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.
Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!
Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!
Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.
This is a job for Mama.
At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
An old cowboy told his grandson...
An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A man is in a foot fetishist club
His girlfriend knows and says that he can give a picture of her feet to the other people in the club. He does and they say that they are the best feet ever. So he goes home and realizes that he had a picture of his girlfriend's mom's feet. He goes to the club the next day and says... Guys we got off on the wrong foot
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Then it'll be a foot.
I'm so sorry.
You can explore foot podiatry reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean foot toe dad jokes. There are also foot puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If someone has a foot fetish...
...and they cheat, does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?
My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...
I had to put my foot down
I tickled my little brothers foot this morning. And my mom went crazy about it.
Something about "Waiting until he's born".
What did the biologist's sister say to her sister after she dropped a beaker on her foot...
Mitosis
The English and the Scots.
A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."
I was at the football game the other day...
It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me
I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.
"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.
I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.
"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.
The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".
BIG fight
Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.
When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo
I had to put my foot down.
Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.
One turns to the other says:
"I think we got off on the wrong foot."
What does someone with a foot fetish wish for?
To meet their solemate.
Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park
They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.
My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...
I had to put my foot down
At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground
Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot..
The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.
It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?
because they like the taste of defeat.
i'm not even sorry.
When my wife asked me to stop being a flamingo..
I had to put my foot down
A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...
A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"
When my wife told me to stop imitating flamingos,
I had to put my foot down
Today at school, my teacher said I needed to stop doing my impression of a Flamingo
That's when I had to put my foot down.
Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....
But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
Why did Hitler always win foot races?
He was the fascist one.
Buzz Aldrin was the second man to step foot on the moon.
Neil before him. Neil.
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.
She was lack-toes intolerant.
What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?
Your ear listening for foot steps.
Why are people with foot fetishes always losers?
They love the smell of defeat.
If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife...
Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...
I had to put my foot down.
When god created man
Gods assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.
Gods assistant: Why?
God: For furniture.
Gods assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me it'll be funny
So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo
one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.
How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?
Sing the national anthem
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
I tickled my little brother's foot
I tickled my little brother's foot yesterday and my mom went crazy and said,
"Wait until he is born"
I feel bad for the hypnotist I saw yesterday
He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed:
F*ck me
How to Live a Long Life
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I wanted to show appreciation to my new girlfriend's foot fetish. Little did I know the woman in the bed was her sister..
I got off on the wrong foot.
Why do people with foot fetishes never win?
Because they like the taste of defeat
I fell off of a 20 foot ladder today at work.
Thankfully I was on the bottom step.
There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.
It's called 'coma toes'
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....
An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says "In the car."
Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today...
I bought it at a Yard sale.
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.
I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.
The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought
The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.
I once knew a girl who only dated tall guys
I guess you could say she had a foot fetish
I tickled my little sister's foot this morning and my mum went crazy about it...
..something about waiting until she was born
I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.
I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.
Secret to long life
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder into your oatmeal.
The grandson took his words seriously and ate gunpowder sprinkled oatmeal everyday. He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 13 great grandchildren and one 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
80% of my couch fell on my foot today.
...ouch.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
Thank god I live in Canada
My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.
Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.
Why don't foot fetishists like redheads?
Because they don't have soles.
^(My bf told me to put this here.)
Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups
because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.
I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....
It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.
\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks
\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confidently
The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:
\- Guess I'm swimming then...
Why do Foot fetishists make terrible Olympians?
They love the taste of defeet.
A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.
The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.
The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.
Yet the woman wed the second man.
Because no matter how gross you pictured him to be...
The first man was just a little grocer.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge.
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around. "Guess I'm swimming then."
What does Big Foot keep time with?
His sasqwatch
Never thought a foot doctor would help…
…now I stand corrected.
My gf broke up with me after I licked her toes…
…i guess I got off on the wrong foot.
What's about a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
So my mom is getting her foot cut off today.. (really)
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot.
I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
Where do football players go for new uniforms?
New Jersey
Did you hear about the sex worker who specialised in kinky clients?
He had a big threesome set up. Didn't go very well though...
He got off on the wrong foot.
You know what they call a foot fetish in Paris?
They got the metric system, they wouldn't know what the hell a foot is.
How to catch a polar bear.
In honor of my Grandpa, here is my favorite Dad joke, that he told me when I was a young one, and that I, in turn, have shared with each of my kids.
How to catch a polar bear:
Step 1: Go to a frozen lake way up north.
Step 2: Cut a 6 foot hole in the ice
Step 3: Place frozen peas all along the border of the hole in the ice.
Step 4: Hide
Step 5: When a polar bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
My gf asked me to impersonate a flamingo..
But I put my foot down đŸ˜‚
I hurt my foot a week ago and it's still hurting.
I guess it hasn't fully heeled yet.
My wife said she would kick me out the house if I kept doing my flamingo impressions.
So I had to put my foot down.
Proud Dad Moment
My daughter has two in-grown toe-nails, one on each foot. I was preparing some nice warm soaking water for her while my wife asked our daughter how her feet were doing and the conversation went like this:
Mom: How's your toe doing, you have two toes right?
Me/Daughter (at the exact same time): I have ten toes!
My wife gave the necessary groan and laughed, but my daughter and I shared a truly special moment.
I was most proud.
Source: https://jokojokes.com/foot-jokes.html
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